SDP Battered In Elections

The Licoco Town Fire Brigade were called to the mayor's house yesterday to rescue the mayor, Watson Broad, from the battering that voters gave his Social Democratic Party at last week's elections.

The elections, to choose Licoco Island's representatives in the Mainland Parliament, saw the SDP beaten into a humiliating third place by the Independent Licoco Party - behind the Democratic Socialists.

In a further embarrassment, the SDP was also beaten by the DSP in the Whales' constituency - the first time the party has failed to win the cetaceous vote in almost a century.

Having been cut free from the batter, Mr Broad addressed the press in a reflective mood. "Yes, we lost," he told Licoco Island News. "But I'm still in charge, that's the main thing."

He added, "The voters have sent out a clear message, but they have missed the point. We're the ones who send out clear messages, they just have to vote for us. I've been in charge for long enough, so I should know."

Asked what the result meant for his future as leader of the SDP, he said, "It will be miserable. We may even have to start listening to what the people want. That will probably end up in our manifesto for the next election."

Across the island, the mood was brighter as DSP councillors Wooster Mackintosh and Ozzy Bullingdon celebrated their party's win on the terrace of their mansion in High Palms.

"We did well, of course," Mr Mackintosh explained. "I mean what can you expect? I'm just so much more interesting than Watson Broad."

"And our policies are really whacky," Mr Bullingdon added. "The Independent Licoco Party don't worry us. We can out-absurd them any day."

Independent Licoco Party leader Richard Regicide-Polyester was unavailable for comment.

Get your whale the Licoco Island News: the broadest broadsheet in town.

Action Urged On Chickens

The Licoco Island Council today faced calls for action in Teo Plaga, where the beach is reportedly being overrun by chickens.

Fred Snooze, council member for Teo Plaga, warned the mayor that he risked a catastrophic environmental disaster by allowing the chicken insurgency to continue unchecked.

"The security forces have no control over the situation," said Mr Snooze. "The chickens are completely free range, they are terrorising beachgoers and residents alike. It's anarchy out there."

He blamed the ruling Social Democratic Party for their openly lenient attitude to the chickens. "We have seen time and time again that this council cannot be trusted with issues of national security. They are allowing organised crime to run riot on our beaches.

"I have said before that this matter requires swift, decisive action. We need to determine a targeted, coordinated strategy to round up the ringleaders. Every moment the council hesitates sees the chickens tighten their stranglehold on the community."

Mr Snooze's concerns were echoed by residents. "Only yesterday I been down there," said Sandra Woolley, of Teo Plaga. "I leave me towel for half an hour to go for a swim, and by the time I come back they've grabbed me spot. About half a dozen of them, the size of whales, they were. When I try to get me towel back, they gone and set on me with eggs."

But Lyn Baden, of protest group Licoco Out Of Chickens, insisted that the chickens had every right to be there. "They have been systematically oppressed by the Licoco Island Council," she said. "The politicians in Licoco Town are trying to throw them out of their own country. The council has far superior resources. This is the only way that the chickens can hope to fight back."

She was speaking yesterday, after several people suffered drumstick wounds when a suicide chicken barbecued himself near a popular sunbathing spot.

Teo Plaga activists are already threatening to take matters into their own hands. Quentin Moskdale, of action group Teo Plaga Home Guard, warned that the chickens' days were numbered. "We shall fight them on the beaches," he said.

Licoco Island: like Barbados but with chickens.

Council To Fight Both Sides Of Albatross Case

The mayor of Licoco Island, Watson Broad, announced today that the council will be supporting the case for the defence, as well as that for the prosecution, in the forthcoming trial of Captain Scarfy O'Gruggles of the Licoco Rose.

Capt. O'Gruggles stands accused of shooting down an albatross on a recent voyage from the mainland, and causing a two-week delay to his ferry in the process.

Mr Broad has faced strong pressure from council members to take both sides of the case. The deputy mayor, Cyril Flack, has led calls for the prosecution.

"That scoundrel is the epitomy of all that's wrong with our society today," said Mr Flack. "He has shown a selfish intolerance for his fellow albatrosses, and our zero tolerance policy on antisocial behaviour cannot tolerate that. It's time we threw him in gaol and fed the key to an albatross."

But firebrand Democratic Socialist councillor Ed Dumfries disagreed. "This has been blown out of all proportion," he claimed. "The man shot an albatross, but the inconvenience he caused it while it was alive was as nothing to the inconvenience it caused him once it was dead. Geography will prove me right."

The mayor's change of tack is thought to relate to the fact that Capt. O'Gruggles is the only man on the island able to pilot the Licoco Rose on the voyage to the mainland. If the captain is convicted, ferry services would be suspended indefinitely.

Mr Broad explained: "We are pursuing the case against Captain O'Gruggles in accordance with our policy on crime. We are supporting him in his defence in line with our policy on transport."

The attorny general, Sir Wilbraham Liplizard, will be acting on behalf of both prosecution and defence at the trial. He said that the latest development would have a substantial bearing on the case.

"You see, representing the prosecution, I had planned to call several surprise witnesses to the stand. But now they will no longer be a surprise because the defence - me - knows who they are. It will still cause a stir, of course, because no-one else knows who they are. But I do, oho."

Sir Wilbraham continued: "It's good that we are doing it this way, though, the mayor and I were both very clear on that. Much more efficient to have one person doing all the talking, and at no extra cost.

"Otherwise, you see, Captain O'Gruggles would have had to pay one of these evil second rate albatross chasers to present his case. Now he only has to pay me, oho ho."

Asked what he thought the outcome would be, Sir Wilbraham said, "I am very confident that I will win."

Win! a personal albatross alarm in next week's Licoco Island News.

Richard Branson Found On Ferry

The discovery yesterday of Richard Branson stowed away in the hold of the mainland ferry has prompted renewed calls for a council clampdown on immigration.

Mr Branson was found ingeniously concealed in a shipment of FHM magazines from MachuaStar's the Licoco Rose, when customs officials inspected the cargo following her arrival on Tuesday.

Customs Officer Nigel Tompkins admitted that his team had only discovered Mr Branson by chance. "Nine out of ten times he'd have got away with it," he said. "Most shipments we don't get time to check, it was just lucky that this was one of the ones we got round to having a look at."

The news provoked anger among Licoco Islanders. Doris Stoker, of Licoco Town, said, "I'm just fed up with it, it's a disaster. I blame the council. I didn't vote last time and you can bet your bottom dollar I won't vote the next time."

She went on, "I mean, Richard Branson is everywhere these days. Breaking into our homes, taking our jobs, taking over our national identity. He's an enemy alien and I want him out!"

From his secure detention centre, Mr Branson protested his innocence. "I am here because I have nowhere else to go. I cannot return to my own country. I protested against my government's policies on airline stewards and caffeinated soft drinks, and was forced to flee."

He added that he had great respect for the people of Licoco Island, their philosophy and their way of life. "I should dearly love to live in a society that embraces camp cabin crews and cheap imitation Coca Cola," he said.

Richard Regicide-Polyester, of the Independent Licoco Party, blamed the council's soft line on relations with the mainland: "The past few years have seen an alarming rise in the immigration of Richard Branson, and that trend is continuing."

He identified the Richard Branson refugee camps in Southead as the root cause of the problem. "The Upyours camp is within a few hundred yards of the MachuaStar terminal there," he explained. "It is laughably easy for Richard Branson to escape, and within minutes he can be hidden on board the ferry.

"The authorities on the mainland are well aware of this problem. But they choose to do nothing about it, in the hope that their problem will become our problem. The council should put pressure on the mainland to get the Upyours Richard Branson refugee camp shut down. They have to do something."

Licoco Island News: left, right and centre.

Captain Arrested Over Albatross

Captain Scarfy O'Gruggles was arrested today and remanded in custody at Licoco Town Police Station, charged with the serious crime of albatross poaching.

Sgt. Collar, of Licoco Island Constabulary, said that Capt. O'Gruggles was under suspicion following comments he was reported to have made at a press conference yesterday. "We have a duty to protect the public," he said. "Our evidence suggests that Mr O'Gruggles presents a real and serious danger to the community, particularly the albatross group, so we've taken the precaution of throwing him in the clink pending further enquiries."

In recent weeks life has not been kind to Capt. O'Gruggles, who only yesterday returned from Southead after a two-week ordeal in command of the stricken mainland ferry, and a notable improvement in his fortunes now looks unlikely. If found guilty, he could face banishment to the mainland, or execution by chicken pecking.

"Ha, banishment!" he lamented. "Be merciful, say death. For exile hath more terror in his look, much more than death. Do not say banishment."

Capt. O'Gruggles's defence is thought to hinge upon the fact that, although many people saw his alleged crime, they all subsequently died. The prosecution should therefore have no case apart from the captain's alleged confession, as reported in Licoco Island News on Tuesday.

But the attorney general, Sir Wilbraham Liplizard, denied this: "Oho, ho, I think not," he reflected. "As I understand it, the prosecution case is bulletproof. Do not be surprised if they come up with some... surprise witnesses, oho."

A date for the trial has yet to be set. In the meantime, ferry operators MachuaStar confirmed that services on the Licoco Rose will remain suspended while Capt. O'Gruggles is unable to command her.

Licoco Island News: pleasantly humanitarian.

Saltpeco Scientists Announce Breakthrough

A spokeswoman for Licoco Town-based company LP Saltpeco yesterday announced that it had devised a new method of enrichment to revolutionise the saltpeter industry.

She added that the old, conventional form of the chemical would remain available. "We are now in a position to offer our customers a wider choice. For all those hardcore saltpeter fans out there, don't worry. Our old recipe will still appear on the shelves, under the new label of Ye Good Olde Saltpeco Classic Traditional Blend 41. But very shortly it will be joined by our latest, most exciting product yet!"

The new product will be known as Funpowder. "The message is clear," the spokeswoman said. "Funpowder packs that extra punch."

Hans-Berner Flach, LP Saltpeco head of research and development, explained the reasoning behind his new creation: "Well, you know, conventional saltpeter was pretty good, it had a nice, juicy flavour with also a certain sharpness. But here at Saltpeco we are always anxious to improve. Here we wanted to move on from just a certain sharpness to a total gastronomical powerhouse."

He went on, "So to the standard saltpeter recipe we added a small measure of sulphur, you know, to spice it up a bit. Then we added just a sprinkling of charcoal and so! Funpowder was born. It will change the world, I am confident."

Some independent observers have expressed reservations. "It's very interesting, yes," Professor Evans von Evans, of Licoco University, said. "I can't tell you anything about it, but it could be dangerous. Very interesting."

His concerns were played down by Dr Flach. "It might be addictive a little bit, yes, it's possible," he agreed. "But dangerous? I think not. The link to heart disease has never been satisfactorily scientifically proven. And anyway, here at Saltpeco we aim to make life better for people. If we also make it a bit shorter, is it such a bad thing?"

"Ja, but I don't like it," Prof. Evans countered. "I can't tell you anything."

There has already been considerable interest in the new blend. Energy drinks magnate Dietrich Chumcrapz said he was "very excited" at the prospect. "We have written to LP Saltpeco to request a sample as soon as they can give us one," he enthused.

"The timing of this advance fits perfectly with the development of the new, improved recipe for our Pink Ram brand. Our scientists are on a high, they are so keen to mix Pink Ram using Funpowder instead of the conventional saltpeter. It will give them a buzz.

"I mean, already Pink Ram gives you feathers, but you have to worry about maybe flying too close to the sun and melting the wax. Funpowder should solve this problem."

Funpowder will be available in the shops in June.

LP Saltpeco: Vorsprung durch Zufall.

Return Of The Rose

The mainland ferry, the Licoco Rose, finally returned to port in Licoco Town today, two weeks late.

The ferry was first spotted by Mr Bill Aegeus, as he was walking along the clifftop at High Palms. He was so shocked at her appearance that he fell off the cliff. "It was the sails, I tell you," he explained to a packed press conference. "They was always white normally. I ain't been used to seeing them in black."

Mr Aegeus said it had been quite an ordeal. "I was only saved by me beard. She just snagged on a tree root as I went over the edge. All I had to do then was grow her a bit longer, just enough to abseil down to the beach."

Captain Scarfy O'Gruggles, of the Licoco Rose, later gave the reasoning behind the change of livery on the sails. "Aye. We just covered them in tar, see. Seal them up, so to speak. They catch the wind much better like that, and they're waterproof besides, so we could sail in the rain. We being a bit behind schedule by then, see."

Pressed further on the causes of the delay, he said: "We left about on time, as I recall. The ship was cheered, the harbour cleared, merrily did we drop. Below the kirk, below the hill, below the lighthouse top. At length did cross an albatross, through the fog it came, as if it had been a Christian soul, we hailed it in God's name."

At this point Bill Rook of the Licoco Island Mariners' Union accused Capt. O'Gruggles of being drunk, but the captain brushed this aside: "Water, water everywhere," he admitted, "nor any drop to drink."

"Why look'st thou so?" asked Licoco Island News reporter Vobiscum Jeroman.

"With my crossbow," the captain replied, crestfallen, "I shot the albatross."

Without the albatross's ventilatory benefits, Capt. O'Gruggles said, the ferry's progress was substantially hindered. "And I had done an hellish thing, and it would work them woe, for all averred I'd killed the bird that made the breeze to blow. Down dropped the breeze, the sails dropped down, 'twas sad as sad could be, and we did speak only to break the silence of the sea. Day after day, day after day, we stuck, nor breath nor motion, as idle as a painted ship upon a painted ocean."

The captain then recounted the wild and mysterious series of adventures that followed: "Four times fifty living men, I heard nor sigh nor groan, with heavy thump, a lifeless lump, they dropped down one by one." This statement was later denied by the ship's crew.

Capt. O'Gruggles was becalmed for many days, but finally the wind returned. "And the coming wind did roar more loud, and the sails did sigh like sedge, and the rain poured down from one black cloud, the moon was at its edge," he explained.

The Licoco Rose's eventual return to port was widely attributed to a miracle. "The loud wind never reached the ship, yet now the ship moved on," Capt. O'Gruggles agreed. "Beneath the lightning and the moon, the dead men gave a groan. They groaned, they stirred, they all uprose, nor spake nor moved their eyes. It had been strange, even in a dream, to have seen those dead men rise."

Ferry operator MachuaStar later said in a statement that normal service on the Licoco Rose will resume this weekend.

Licoco Island News: free iambs when you subscribe.

Election 2005: SDP Holds On

All three main parties were claiming election success this morning, as the final results from yesterday's polls were declared.

Preliminary reports indicate that incumbent mayor Watson Broad and his Social Democratic Party have prevailed, but with a much reduced majority. The Democratic Socialist Party, led by Lumbus Simms, won seats from the Social Democrats in Carea and High Palms, reducing the ruling party's advantage over the opposition to just one seat.

From his constituency in Licoco Town North, Mr Broad hailed the result as an historic victory. "The people have given us their seal of approval. They have passed their verdict on the last four years and they have found us not guilty. This is a resounding endorsement."

Questioned about the extent of the resonance, he explained, "Well, yes, it's not quite as resounding as last time, we would have liked a bit more resonance, but we have to take on board this message from the people. They thought we should only have a small majority this time, so they only gave us a small majority this time.

"But they like us, there's no doubt about that. It's just that they like us even more with a smaller majority. And we like them even more when we've got a smaller majority, too. We like eachother very much at the moment."

Mr Simms, at home in his constituency of Massive Central, was also in bullish mood. "This election has been a great success," he announced to a cheering crowd of wellwishers. "The voters have voted with their votes. They have voted for the Social Democrats, but they have also voted for us!"

He claimed that the result put his party in a very strong position. "It shows the mounting dissatisfaction with the Social Democrats. People recognise that the Democratic Socialists are now the party on the move. A mood for change is in the air. The road to the next election starts here."

It was a particularly long night in Teo Plaga. "Oh yes, very long," said Fred Snooze, who retained his seat for the DSP after a fierce challenge from Richard Regicide-Polyester of the Independent Licoco Party. "Going on twelve hours. It was very dark."

Mr Regicide-Polyester remained upbeat, despite failing to win at the ILP's #1 target seat. "That's true, we didn't win," he admitted, "but we doubled our share of the vote. It shows how disenchantment with the mainstream politicians has grown. At least if you vote for me you get what I say you get. Me."

The only party that did not appear happy with the election result was the Teo Plaga Beach Party. Party leader Duke Smith told Licoco Island News that failure to field any candidates had cost them valuable votes: "Yeh man, you see, like, we were going to, but man, we didn't. We were just too cool, man. We had a good time last night, though, yeh, you should've been here."

Public reaction to the result varied across the island. "It's terrible. An appalling catastrophe," said Massive Central resident John. "I feel like we've been sentenced to another four years in a Nazi death camp."

"No, no, I think on the whole it's not a bad thing," said Jackie, of Silvertown. "I voted for them, so it's all right." Asked why she had voted for the SDP, she said, "Well, they're okay, really. I mean the other parties, they're okay too, but the Social Democrats, I guess they're just okay. I always voted Social Democrat. They're okay."

Licoco Island News: before, during, and even afterwards.