Richard Branson Found On Ferry

The discovery yesterday of Richard Branson stowed away in the hold of the mainland ferry has prompted renewed calls for a council clampdown on immigration.

Mr Branson was found ingeniously concealed in a shipment of FHM magazines from MachuaStar's the Licoco Rose, when customs officials inspected the cargo following her arrival on Tuesday.

Customs Officer Nigel Tompkins admitted that his team had only discovered Mr Branson by chance. "Nine out of ten times he'd have got away with it," he said. "Most shipments we don't get time to check, it was just lucky that this was one of the ones we got round to having a look at."

The news provoked anger among Licoco Islanders. Doris Stoker, of Licoco Town, said, "I'm just fed up with it, it's a disaster. I blame the council. I didn't vote last time and you can bet your bottom dollar I won't vote the next time."

She went on, "I mean, Richard Branson is everywhere these days. Breaking into our homes, taking our jobs, taking over our national identity. He's an enemy alien and I want him out!"

From his secure detention centre, Mr Branson protested his innocence. "I am here because I have nowhere else to go. I cannot return to my own country. I protested against my government's policies on airline stewards and caffeinated soft drinks, and was forced to flee."

He added that he had great respect for the people of Licoco Island, their philosophy and their way of life. "I should dearly love to live in a society that embraces camp cabin crews and cheap imitation Coca Cola," he said.

Richard Regicide-Polyester, of the Independent Licoco Party, blamed the council's soft line on relations with the mainland: "The past few years have seen an alarming rise in the immigration of Richard Branson, and that trend is continuing."

He identified the Richard Branson refugee camps in Southead as the root cause of the problem. "The Upyours camp is within a few hundred yards of the MachuaStar terminal there," he explained. "It is laughably easy for Richard Branson to escape, and within minutes he can be hidden on board the ferry.

"The authorities on the mainland are well aware of this problem. But they choose to do nothing about it, in the hope that their problem will become our problem. The council should put pressure on the mainland to get the Upyours Richard Branson refugee camp shut down. They have to do something."

Licoco Island News: left, right and centre.