Action Urged On Chickens

The Licoco Island Council today faced calls for action in Teo Plaga, where the beach is reportedly being overrun by chickens.

Fred Snooze, council member for Teo Plaga, warned the mayor that he risked a catastrophic environmental disaster by allowing the chicken insurgency to continue unchecked.

"The security forces have no control over the situation," said Mr Snooze. "The chickens are completely free range, they are terrorising beachgoers and residents alike. It's anarchy out there."

He blamed the ruling Social Democratic Party for their openly lenient attitude to the chickens. "We have seen time and time again that this council cannot be trusted with issues of national security. They are allowing organised crime to run riot on our beaches.

"I have said before that this matter requires swift, decisive action. We need to determine a targeted, coordinated strategy to round up the ringleaders. Every moment the council hesitates sees the chickens tighten their stranglehold on the community."

Mr Snooze's concerns were echoed by residents. "Only yesterday I been down there," said Sandra Woolley, of Teo Plaga. "I leave me towel for half an hour to go for a swim, and by the time I come back they've grabbed me spot. About half a dozen of them, the size of whales, they were. When I try to get me towel back, they gone and set on me with eggs."

But Lyn Baden, of protest group Licoco Out Of Chickens, insisted that the chickens had every right to be there. "They have been systematically oppressed by the Licoco Island Council," she said. "The politicians in Licoco Town are trying to throw them out of their own country. The council has far superior resources. This is the only way that the chickens can hope to fight back."

She was speaking yesterday, after several people suffered drumstick wounds when a suicide chicken barbecued himself near a popular sunbathing spot.

Teo Plaga activists are already threatening to take matters into their own hands. Quentin Moskdale, of action group Teo Plaga Home Guard, warned that the chickens' days were numbered. "We shall fight them on the beaches," he said.

Licoco Island: like Barbados but with chickens.

Council To Fight Both Sides Of Albatross Case

The mayor of Licoco Island, Watson Broad, announced today that the council will be supporting the case for the defence, as well as that for the prosecution, in the forthcoming trial of Captain Scarfy O'Gruggles of the Licoco Rose.

Capt. O'Gruggles stands accused of shooting down an albatross on a recent voyage from the mainland, and causing a two-week delay to his ferry in the process.

Mr Broad has faced strong pressure from council members to take both sides of the case. The deputy mayor, Cyril Flack, has led calls for the prosecution.

"That scoundrel is the epitomy of all that's wrong with our society today," said Mr Flack. "He has shown a selfish intolerance for his fellow albatrosses, and our zero tolerance policy on antisocial behaviour cannot tolerate that. It's time we threw him in gaol and fed the key to an albatross."

But firebrand Democratic Socialist councillor Ed Dumfries disagreed. "This has been blown out of all proportion," he claimed. "The man shot an albatross, but the inconvenience he caused it while it was alive was as nothing to the inconvenience it caused him once it was dead. Geography will prove me right."

The mayor's change of tack is thought to relate to the fact that Capt. O'Gruggles is the only man on the island able to pilot the Licoco Rose on the voyage to the mainland. If the captain is convicted, ferry services would be suspended indefinitely.

Mr Broad explained: "We are pursuing the case against Captain O'Gruggles in accordance with our policy on crime. We are supporting him in his defence in line with our policy on transport."

The attorny general, Sir Wilbraham Liplizard, will be acting on behalf of both prosecution and defence at the trial. He said that the latest development would have a substantial bearing on the case.

"You see, representing the prosecution, I had planned to call several surprise witnesses to the stand. But now they will no longer be a surprise because the defence - me - knows who they are. It will still cause a stir, of course, because no-one else knows who they are. But I do, oho."

Sir Wilbraham continued: "It's good that we are doing it this way, though, the mayor and I were both very clear on that. Much more efficient to have one person doing all the talking, and at no extra cost.

"Otherwise, you see, Captain O'Gruggles would have had to pay one of these evil second rate albatross chasers to present his case. Now he only has to pay me, oho ho."

Asked what he thought the outcome would be, Sir Wilbraham said, "I am very confident that I will win."

Win! a personal albatross alarm in next week's Licoco Island News.

Richard Branson Found On Ferry

The discovery yesterday of Richard Branson stowed away in the hold of the mainland ferry has prompted renewed calls for a council clampdown on immigration.

Mr Branson was found ingeniously concealed in a shipment of FHM magazines from MachuaStar's the Licoco Rose, when customs officials inspected the cargo following her arrival on Tuesday.

Customs Officer Nigel Tompkins admitted that his team had only discovered Mr Branson by chance. "Nine out of ten times he'd have got away with it," he said. "Most shipments we don't get time to check, it was just lucky that this was one of the ones we got round to having a look at."

The news provoked anger among Licoco Islanders. Doris Stoker, of Licoco Town, said, "I'm just fed up with it, it's a disaster. I blame the council. I didn't vote last time and you can bet your bottom dollar I won't vote the next time."

She went on, "I mean, Richard Branson is everywhere these days. Breaking into our homes, taking our jobs, taking over our national identity. He's an enemy alien and I want him out!"

From his secure detention centre, Mr Branson protested his innocence. "I am here because I have nowhere else to go. I cannot return to my own country. I protested against my government's policies on airline stewards and caffeinated soft drinks, and was forced to flee."

He added that he had great respect for the people of Licoco Island, their philosophy and their way of life. "I should dearly love to live in a society that embraces camp cabin crews and cheap imitation Coca Cola," he said.

Richard Regicide-Polyester, of the Independent Licoco Party, blamed the council's soft line on relations with the mainland: "The past few years have seen an alarming rise in the immigration of Richard Branson, and that trend is continuing."

He identified the Richard Branson refugee camps in Southead as the root cause of the problem. "The Upyours camp is within a few hundred yards of the MachuaStar terminal there," he explained. "It is laughably easy for Richard Branson to escape, and within minutes he can be hidden on board the ferry.

"The authorities on the mainland are well aware of this problem. But they choose to do nothing about it, in the hope that their problem will become our problem. The council should put pressure on the mainland to get the Upyours Richard Branson refugee camp shut down. They have to do something."

Licoco Island News: left, right and centre.

Captain Arrested Over Albatross

Captain Scarfy O'Gruggles was arrested today and remanded in custody at Licoco Town Police Station, charged with the serious crime of albatross poaching.

Sgt. Collar, of Licoco Island Constabulary, said that Capt. O'Gruggles was under suspicion following comments he was reported to have made at a press conference yesterday. "We have a duty to protect the public," he said. "Our evidence suggests that Mr O'Gruggles presents a real and serious danger to the community, particularly the albatross group, so we've taken the precaution of throwing him in the clink pending further enquiries."

In recent weeks life has not been kind to Capt. O'Gruggles, who only yesterday returned from Southead after a two-week ordeal in command of the stricken mainland ferry, and a notable improvement in his fortunes now looks unlikely. If found guilty, he could face banishment to the mainland, or execution by chicken pecking.

"Ha, banishment!" he lamented. "Be merciful, say death. For exile hath more terror in his look, much more than death. Do not say banishment."

Capt. O'Gruggles's defence is thought to hinge upon the fact that, although many people saw his alleged crime, they all subsequently died. The prosecution should therefore have no case apart from the captain's alleged confession, as reported in Licoco Island News on Tuesday.

But the attorney general, Sir Wilbraham Liplizard, denied this: "Oho, ho, I think not," he reflected. "As I understand it, the prosecution case is bulletproof. Do not be surprised if they come up with some... surprise witnesses, oho."

A date for the trial has yet to be set. In the meantime, ferry operators MachuaStar confirmed that services on the Licoco Rose will remain suspended while Capt. O'Gruggles is unable to command her.

Licoco Island News: pleasantly humanitarian.

Saltpeco Scientists Announce Breakthrough

A spokeswoman for Licoco Town-based company LP Saltpeco yesterday announced that it had devised a new method of enrichment to revolutionise the saltpeter industry.

She added that the old, conventional form of the chemical would remain available. "We are now in a position to offer our customers a wider choice. For all those hardcore saltpeter fans out there, don't worry. Our old recipe will still appear on the shelves, under the new label of Ye Good Olde Saltpeco Classic Traditional Blend 41. But very shortly it will be joined by our latest, most exciting product yet!"

The new product will be known as Funpowder. "The message is clear," the spokeswoman said. "Funpowder packs that extra punch."

Hans-Berner Flach, LP Saltpeco head of research and development, explained the reasoning behind his new creation: "Well, you know, conventional saltpeter was pretty good, it had a nice, juicy flavour with also a certain sharpness. But here at Saltpeco we are always anxious to improve. Here we wanted to move on from just a certain sharpness to a total gastronomical powerhouse."

He went on, "So to the standard saltpeter recipe we added a small measure of sulphur, you know, to spice it up a bit. Then we added just a sprinkling of charcoal and so! Funpowder was born. It will change the world, I am confident."

Some independent observers have expressed reservations. "It's very interesting, yes," Professor Evans von Evans, of Licoco University, said. "I can't tell you anything about it, but it could be dangerous. Very interesting."

His concerns were played down by Dr Flach. "It might be addictive a little bit, yes, it's possible," he agreed. "But dangerous? I think not. The link to heart disease has never been satisfactorily scientifically proven. And anyway, here at Saltpeco we aim to make life better for people. If we also make it a bit shorter, is it such a bad thing?"

"Ja, but I don't like it," Prof. Evans countered. "I can't tell you anything."

There has already been considerable interest in the new blend. Energy drinks magnate Dietrich Chumcrapz said he was "very excited" at the prospect. "We have written to LP Saltpeco to request a sample as soon as they can give us one," he enthused.

"The timing of this advance fits perfectly with the development of the new, improved recipe for our Pink Ram brand. Our scientists are on a high, they are so keen to mix Pink Ram using Funpowder instead of the conventional saltpeter. It will give them a buzz.

"I mean, already Pink Ram gives you feathers, but you have to worry about maybe flying too close to the sun and melting the wax. Funpowder should solve this problem."

Funpowder will be available in the shops in June.

LP Saltpeco: Vorsprung durch Zufall.

Return Of The Rose

The mainland ferry, the Licoco Rose, finally returned to port in Licoco Town today, two weeks late.

The ferry was first spotted by Mr Bill Aegeus, as he was walking along the clifftop at High Palms. He was so shocked at her appearance that he fell off the cliff. "It was the sails, I tell you," he explained to a packed press conference. "They was always white normally. I ain't been used to seeing them in black."

Mr Aegeus said it had been quite an ordeal. "I was only saved by me beard. She just snagged on a tree root as I went over the edge. All I had to do then was grow her a bit longer, just enough to abseil down to the beach."

Captain Scarfy O'Gruggles, of the Licoco Rose, later gave the reasoning behind the change of livery on the sails. "Aye. We just covered them in tar, see. Seal them up, so to speak. They catch the wind much better like that, and they're waterproof besides, so we could sail in the rain. We being a bit behind schedule by then, see."

Pressed further on the causes of the delay, he said: "We left about on time, as I recall. The ship was cheered, the harbour cleared, merrily did we drop. Below the kirk, below the hill, below the lighthouse top. At length did cross an albatross, through the fog it came, as if it had been a Christian soul, we hailed it in God's name."

At this point Bill Rook of the Licoco Island Mariners' Union accused Capt. O'Gruggles of being drunk, but the captain brushed this aside: "Water, water everywhere," he admitted, "nor any drop to drink."

"Why look'st thou so?" asked Licoco Island News reporter Vobiscum Jeroman.

"With my crossbow," the captain replied, crestfallen, "I shot the albatross."

Without the albatross's ventilatory benefits, Capt. O'Gruggles said, the ferry's progress was substantially hindered. "And I had done an hellish thing, and it would work them woe, for all averred I'd killed the bird that made the breeze to blow. Down dropped the breeze, the sails dropped down, 'twas sad as sad could be, and we did speak only to break the silence of the sea. Day after day, day after day, we stuck, nor breath nor motion, as idle as a painted ship upon a painted ocean."

The captain then recounted the wild and mysterious series of adventures that followed: "Four times fifty living men, I heard nor sigh nor groan, with heavy thump, a lifeless lump, they dropped down one by one." This statement was later denied by the ship's crew.

Capt. O'Gruggles was becalmed for many days, but finally the wind returned. "And the coming wind did roar more loud, and the sails did sigh like sedge, and the rain poured down from one black cloud, the moon was at its edge," he explained.

The Licoco Rose's eventual return to port was widely attributed to a miracle. "The loud wind never reached the ship, yet now the ship moved on," Capt. O'Gruggles agreed. "Beneath the lightning and the moon, the dead men gave a groan. They groaned, they stirred, they all uprose, nor spake nor moved their eyes. It had been strange, even in a dream, to have seen those dead men rise."

Ferry operator MachuaStar later said in a statement that normal service on the Licoco Rose will resume this weekend.

Licoco Island News: free iambs when you subscribe.

Election 2005: SDP Holds On

All three main parties were claiming election success this morning, as the final results from yesterday's polls were declared.

Preliminary reports indicate that incumbent mayor Watson Broad and his Social Democratic Party have prevailed, but with a much reduced majority. The Democratic Socialist Party, led by Lumbus Simms, won seats from the Social Democrats in Carea and High Palms, reducing the ruling party's advantage over the opposition to just one seat.

From his constituency in Licoco Town North, Mr Broad hailed the result as an historic victory. "The people have given us their seal of approval. They have passed their verdict on the last four years and they have found us not guilty. This is a resounding endorsement."

Questioned about the extent of the resonance, he explained, "Well, yes, it's not quite as resounding as last time, we would have liked a bit more resonance, but we have to take on board this message from the people. They thought we should only have a small majority this time, so they only gave us a small majority this time.

"But they like us, there's no doubt about that. It's just that they like us even more with a smaller majority. And we like them even more when we've got a smaller majority, too. We like eachother very much at the moment."

Mr Simms, at home in his constituency of Massive Central, was also in bullish mood. "This election has been a great success," he announced to a cheering crowd of wellwishers. "The voters have voted with their votes. They have voted for the Social Democrats, but they have also voted for us!"

He claimed that the result put his party in a very strong position. "It shows the mounting dissatisfaction with the Social Democrats. People recognise that the Democratic Socialists are now the party on the move. A mood for change is in the air. The road to the next election starts here."

It was a particularly long night in Teo Plaga. "Oh yes, very long," said Fred Snooze, who retained his seat for the DSP after a fierce challenge from Richard Regicide-Polyester of the Independent Licoco Party. "Going on twelve hours. It was very dark."

Mr Regicide-Polyester remained upbeat, despite failing to win at the ILP's #1 target seat. "That's true, we didn't win," he admitted, "but we doubled our share of the vote. It shows how disenchantment with the mainstream politicians has grown. At least if you vote for me you get what I say you get. Me."

The only party that did not appear happy with the election result was the Teo Plaga Beach Party. Party leader Duke Smith told Licoco Island News that failure to field any candidates had cost them valuable votes: "Yeh man, you see, like, we were going to, but man, we didn't. We were just too cool, man. We had a good time last night, though, yeh, you should've been here."

Public reaction to the result varied across the island. "It's terrible. An appalling catastrophe," said Massive Central resident John. "I feel like we've been sentenced to another four years in a Nazi death camp."

"No, no, I think on the whole it's not a bad thing," said Jackie, of Silvertown. "I voted for them, so it's all right." Asked why she had voted for the SDP, she said, "Well, they're okay, really. I mean the other parties, they're okay too, but the Social Democrats, I guess they're just okay. I always voted Social Democrat. They're okay."

Licoco Island News: before, during, and even afterwards.

Licoco Goes To The Polls

Election fever is sweeping across Licoco today as the island goes out to vote for the next council.

This year it is seemingly worse than ever. Whole towns have been struck down in possibly the most virulent outbreak, certainly the most contagious, in living memory.

Licoco Island News went to Silvertown, where doctors in the beleaguered polling stations were struggling to cope. "It is a disaster," confessed Dr Basil Goulash. "We have tried all known remedies. I have prescribed negative campaigning and incomprehensible manifestoes to hundreds of people, but all the while more of them are coming to vote. It is spreading faster than we can contain it."

He did stress, however, that the fever was only a twenty-four hour infection. "Oh yes, we do not expect it to last long. And it is spreading so fast that soon the whole electorate will be immune. In fact, I am confident that everyone will have forgotten all about it by the weekend."

The situation was further exacerbated in Licoco Town at lunchtime, when mayor Watson Broad returned to his home constituency of Licoco Town North to vote.

"Just remember, for a positive, forward-looking Licoco Island, vote for the Social Democratic Party," said Mr Broad, who is defending an apparently comfortable five-seat majority.

Opposition leader Lumbus Simms was also in town, at his party's campaign headquarters. "Oh yes? Well, for a brighter, better Licoco Island, vote for the Democratic Socialism Party," he responded.

In dramatic fashion, Mr Broad then scaled the steps of the Town Hall to counter Mr Simms's challenge: "Indeed? But for a prosperous, happy Licoco Island, you should vote for the Social Democrats."

To answer, Mr Simms attained the porch of the Grand Terrace Hotel. "And for a beautiful, glorious Licoco Island, the people know that the Democratic Socialists are the single realistic option."

The debate was growing heated as Mr Broad, now on the rooftop, replied, "You may say that, but for a rose-tinted, honeysweet Licoco Island, people cannot fail to see the sense in voting Social Democrat."

"I do not accept this. For a golden, idyllic, chocolate covered Licoco Island, Democratic Socialist is the only possible vote!" shouted Mr Simms, from the belltower of St. John's church.

With that, Mr Simms left for his constituency at Massive Central to cast his vote, while Mr Broad returned to the SDP headquarters. Reports suggest that the Independent Licoco Party leader, Richard Regicide-Polyester, has also voted, although at time of going to press these remain unconfirmed.

Is it manifestos or manifestoes? Join the debate at Licoco Island News interactive!

Signal Codes Revised

Licoco continues to embrace the Information Age. In response to the Island's rapid technological development, the Office of the Department of Information and Administration last night announced the following changes to the signalling code, effective 12 noon, Sunday 8th May.

1. The signal "Floodwaters rising on Grand River," formerly denoted by two short puffs of white smoke, then one long puff of white smoke, then one short puff of black smoke, then one short puff of white smoke, then a black ring of diameter 10% of height (..-..O10), will now be denoted by three short puffs of white smoke, then one short puff of black smoke, then one short puff of white smoke, then a black ring of diameter 10% of height (.....O10).

ODIA research indicates that this adjustment could reduce transmission time by up to half of the time taken by a long puff, freeing up valuable network space for other signals and birds.

2. In recognition of the changing political climate overseas, the signal of three short puffs of black smoke, then three long puffs of black smoke, then three short puffs of black smoke, then a white ring of diameter 20% of height (...---...O20) will no longer denote "Bloodthirsty Mongol hordes massacring population in Licoco Town." It will henceforth denote "Bloodthirsty American petrol dragons breathing thunder fire on Licoco Town."

A new signal, to denote the old message, is currently being finalised at the ODIA, and will be announced in due course. In the meantime, anyone needing to send the old message should use the old signal, followed by the signal "Sort of" (O50.). The state of alert for Mongol invasions remains at Black Special (observe extra vigilance).

3. The signal "House on fire," (formerly O10---) is replaced by the equivalent signal in white smoke (O10---). This is so that the signal smoke should not be confused with the smoke from the fire, which, it is assumed, will be black. If, through circumstances beyond the control of the building owner, the smoke from the fire is white, then signallers are permitted to use the old (black) signal.

In addition, the ODIA is pleased to announce the provision of firewood at the long-distance relay semaphors of the tornado warning system in the Massive Central region. This will enable the news of tornado sightings to be relayed across the island at any time, even at night. ODIA researchers are confident that these revisions will put Licoco Island back at the forefront of Information Technology.

ODIA: Working for a more dynamic, efficient Licoco Island.

Election 2005: Final Campaign Day

Party leaders were today in the marginal constituencies for the final stages of the 2005 election campaign. Watson Broad, mayor of Licoco Island and head of the ruling Social Democrat Party, was in the northern district of Carea, while opposition leader Lumbus Simms of the Democratic Socialism Party went to the narrowly Social Democratic-held Licoco Town South.

The main focus of the mayor's visit was to turn out the Social Democratic vote in an area lately disillusioned with the party's overseas policies. In a dramatic speech, Mr Broad reminded voters, "And remember, a protest vote for the Democratic Socialists will only let in the Democratic Socialists!"

He pointed to the SDP's successes during the last four years, most notably education. Teacher numbers on the island have increased during that time by 100%, when Licoco Island Comprehensive gained its second member of staff in September 2003. Class sizes, meanwhile, have halved from an average 42 in 2001 to just 21 in 2005.

If reelected, the mayor reiterated his determination to improve the island's transport infrastructure. The need for such action was further underlined today, as the mainland ferry was officially declared lost at sea. (See separate story.)

Mr Simms, meanwhile, addressed voters on an issue close to Licoco Town South hearts. If elected, he promised to tackle the problem of immigration of Richard Branson without delay. "We do not oppose the immigration of Richard Branson," he insisted. "But eight years of Social Democratic rule has seen it spiral out of control. The Democratic Socialism Party will set a limit on the amount of immigration permitted to Richard Branson. Sometimes he can be useful, and we shall encourage him to visit us on those occasions. But much immigration by Richard Branson has a detrimental impact on the Licoco Island economy, so he should be sent back to the mainland, or wherever it was he came from."

When Licoco Island News met Mr Branson yesterday, in a detainment centre near Silvertown, he remained optimistic about his chances of being granted leave to remain. "I am a qualified millionaire," he claimed. "I hope to put my skills to good use here. I can offer you the Rolling Stones and state-of-the-art tilting trains!" Mr Branson has been seeking assylum on the island since his balloon crash-landed near High Palms in 1998.

With media attention centred on the war of words between Mr Broad and Mr Simms, third party candidate Richard Regicide-Polyester enjoyed a quiet rally for his Independent Licoco Party in Teo Plaga. To a boisterous crowd of five passionate supporters, he proclaimed, "Licoco Island has great potential. We should not allow ourselves to be constrained by the selfishness and bureaucracy of the mainland. I will push for complete independence from the incompetent overseas legislators whom Watson Broad and Lumbus Simms are seemingly so happy to take orders from. I will also push to have all the chickens on the beach rounded up and shot."

This last move represents a significant change of tack for the ILP leader, and will act as a severe temptation to voters in Teo Plaga, where the chickens are perceived as a growing problem. However, opinion polls suggest that Mr Regicide-Polyester will struggle to dislodge Democratic Socialist incumbent Fred Snooze from the DSP heartland seat.

Licoco Island News: long sentences to shame the broadsheets.

Licoco Ferry Missing

The Licoco Town coastguard's office today confirmed that the Licoco Rose, the ferry boat that runs between Licoco Town and Southead Harbour on the mainland, was officially "Lost At Sea." She was due to return to port from the mainland last Tuesday, but has failed to materialise.

A spokesman for the ferry's operators, MachuaStar, claimed that the confirmation was premature. "We have had no reports about the ship. That doesn't mean she's lost, it just means we can't find her. Families of those on board should panic, and our staff will be on hand to help them."

He went on to add that there were "a million perfectly acceptable reasons" for the Licoco Rose's apparent disappearance. In all probability she had been either blown off course or becalmed. Both of these predicaments have been known to befall the ferry in the past, though seldom have they caused such a long delay.

However, the Licoco Island Mariners' Union remained sceptical of this explanation. General secretary Bill Rook told Licoco Island News that a far more likely explanation was that the Licoco Rose's captain, Scarfy O'Gruggles, had been arrested in Southead. "He'll be in the clink there, I can tell you," he said. "Always for one thing or another, drunk at the helm, drunk on the quay, smuggling booze, proliferation of disease, he's done 'em all."

Yesterday Mayor Watson Broad responded to the crisis by promising that, if the Socail Democratic Party wins tomorrow's election, the council would subsidise four new oars for the mainland ferry. He was accused by opposition leader Lumbus Simms of cynical manipulation of events for political gain.

In the meantime, the Licoco Rose's disappearance has left Licoco Island cut off from the mainland. Only through these pages can Licoco Island News continue to reassure the world that, whatever else may happen, Licoco Island is still here, alone in the deep blue sea...

Licoco Island News: all the facts, through thick and thin.