Saltpeco Scientists Announce Breakthrough

A spokeswoman for Licoco Town-based company LP Saltpeco yesterday announced that it had devised a new method of enrichment to revolutionise the saltpeter industry.

She added that the old, conventional form of the chemical would remain available. "We are now in a position to offer our customers a wider choice. For all those hardcore saltpeter fans out there, don't worry. Our old recipe will still appear on the shelves, under the new label of Ye Good Olde Saltpeco Classic Traditional Blend 41. But very shortly it will be joined by our latest, most exciting product yet!"

The new product will be known as Funpowder. "The message is clear," the spokeswoman said. "Funpowder packs that extra punch."

Hans-Berner Flach, LP Saltpeco head of research and development, explained the reasoning behind his new creation: "Well, you know, conventional saltpeter was pretty good, it had a nice, juicy flavour with also a certain sharpness. But here at Saltpeco we are always anxious to improve. Here we wanted to move on from just a certain sharpness to a total gastronomical powerhouse."

He went on, "So to the standard saltpeter recipe we added a small measure of sulphur, you know, to spice it up a bit. Then we added just a sprinkling of charcoal and so! Funpowder was born. It will change the world, I am confident."

Some independent observers have expressed reservations. "It's very interesting, yes," Professor Evans von Evans, of Licoco University, said. "I can't tell you anything about it, but it could be dangerous. Very interesting."

His concerns were played down by Dr Flach. "It might be addictive a little bit, yes, it's possible," he agreed. "But dangerous? I think not. The link to heart disease has never been satisfactorily scientifically proven. And anyway, here at Saltpeco we aim to make life better for people. If we also make it a bit shorter, is it such a bad thing?"

"Ja, but I don't like it," Prof. Evans countered. "I can't tell you anything."

There has already been considerable interest in the new blend. Energy drinks magnate Dietrich Chumcrapz said he was "very excited" at the prospect. "We have written to LP Saltpeco to request a sample as soon as they can give us one," he enthused.

"The timing of this advance fits perfectly with the development of the new, improved recipe for our Pink Ram brand. Our scientists are on a high, they are so keen to mix Pink Ram using Funpowder instead of the conventional saltpeter. It will give them a buzz.

"I mean, already Pink Ram gives you feathers, but you have to worry about maybe flying too close to the sun and melting the wax. Funpowder should solve this problem."

Funpowder will be available in the shops in June.

LP Saltpeco: Vorsprung durch Zufall.