Election 2005: Final Campaign Day

Party leaders were today in the marginal constituencies for the final stages of the 2005 election campaign. Watson Broad, mayor of Licoco Island and head of the ruling Social Democrat Party, was in the northern district of Carea, while opposition leader Lumbus Simms of the Democratic Socialism Party went to the narrowly Social Democratic-held Licoco Town South.

The main focus of the mayor's visit was to turn out the Social Democratic vote in an area lately disillusioned with the party's overseas policies. In a dramatic speech, Mr Broad reminded voters, "And remember, a protest vote for the Democratic Socialists will only let in the Democratic Socialists!"

He pointed to the SDP's successes during the last four years, most notably education. Teacher numbers on the island have increased during that time by 100%, when Licoco Island Comprehensive gained its second member of staff in September 2003. Class sizes, meanwhile, have halved from an average 42 in 2001 to just 21 in 2005.

If reelected, the mayor reiterated his determination to improve the island's transport infrastructure. The need for such action was further underlined today, as the mainland ferry was officially declared lost at sea. (See separate story.)

Mr Simms, meanwhile, addressed voters on an issue close to Licoco Town South hearts. If elected, he promised to tackle the problem of immigration of Richard Branson without delay. "We do not oppose the immigration of Richard Branson," he insisted. "But eight years of Social Democratic rule has seen it spiral out of control. The Democratic Socialism Party will set a limit on the amount of immigration permitted to Richard Branson. Sometimes he can be useful, and we shall encourage him to visit us on those occasions. But much immigration by Richard Branson has a detrimental impact on the Licoco Island economy, so he should be sent back to the mainland, or wherever it was he came from."

When Licoco Island News met Mr Branson yesterday, in a detainment centre near Silvertown, he remained optimistic about his chances of being granted leave to remain. "I am a qualified millionaire," he claimed. "I hope to put my skills to good use here. I can offer you the Rolling Stones and state-of-the-art tilting trains!" Mr Branson has been seeking assylum on the island since his balloon crash-landed near High Palms in 1998.

With media attention centred on the war of words between Mr Broad and Mr Simms, third party candidate Richard Regicide-Polyester enjoyed a quiet rally for his Independent Licoco Party in Teo Plaga. To a boisterous crowd of five passionate supporters, he proclaimed, "Licoco Island has great potential. We should not allow ourselves to be constrained by the selfishness and bureaucracy of the mainland. I will push for complete independence from the incompetent overseas legislators whom Watson Broad and Lumbus Simms are seemingly so happy to take orders from. I will also push to have all the chickens on the beach rounded up and shot."

This last move represents a significant change of tack for the ILP leader, and will act as a severe temptation to voters in Teo Plaga, where the chickens are perceived as a growing problem. However, opinion polls suggest that Mr Regicide-Polyester will struggle to dislodge Democratic Socialist incumbent Fred Snooze from the DSP heartland seat.

Licoco Island News: long sentences to shame the broadsheets.